| Hope you got your reading classes |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|04:33 pm] |
So it’s been a wile since I’ve rambled on this thing so here we go.
Audrey and I have lost touch for a wile now and I don’t like it but we started talking again today and that makes me happy. I think she and I needed some time apart to get some perspective on things, I have no idea what the hell I’m looking at now but that’s not important.
Sara and I started hanging out a lot more and it made me miss her, and what we had. It’s hard to tell why the feelings I have for her are they way they are. I’m not sure if its just the fact I’m incredibly lonely and its just a residue of what we used to have, or that its true love, or just the right place at the wrong time I don’t know. But we played some kissy face here and there but it was very odd, I think she just missed me and doesn’t know how to act around me so she fell into old ways. I say this because when we used to kiss it was more intimate, its hard to get the signal that the other person burns and pines for you when they don’t use there tongue. But she left last night to Washington to go work on a tall ship for another 3 months. I got to meet a bunch of her friends that lived on the shit with her and I can see why she likes it so much there. They are all like her, they like to resale and climb shit and sing sea shanties- yea fucking sea shanty’s. And though looking at pictures she had of her ex or currant or whatever boyfriend I can see that the two of them belong together much more then her and i. and that makes me sad, but happy for her. She and I laughed about how we were never really meant to be, she’s more of the lead chick in raiders of the lost ark and I’m more Peter Vankman from Ghostbusters. She can name everything that’s going on in the pirate movies and I think Jack Sparrow is a pussy, the boys in grey would have kicked the shit out of any skeleton or squid dead guys in about 15 – 20 min tops. So I’m sad that she’s gone, in more ways then one.
But in other news Gavin will be going active duty and moving to San Diego. He should be there temporarily because the thing he’s signing up for is designed for him to go to Iraq, they aren’t even going to place him in the barracks he’s going to be staying in the hotel.
My friend RB who I work with is also quitting, and Thursday is going to be his last day. So work will go back to the way it was a few months ago, but this time I wont have sara to come home to.
On a much more personal note, my sister has been paying for herself to go though college after years of being promised by my parents that if she got good grades she would have a free ride. And its not my parents fault but the money isn’t there anymore, I didn’t know how bad it was until last night when I got back from Sara going away party that a few of her classes got dropped, this means that she will have to spend another year at school. So the only solution I can see fit is that I start contributing to the family and my sister. So I’m going to start paying for my sister’s car insurance, phone bill, gas, and books and stuff, also whatever bullshit it takes for our house to get fixed up. What this means is two things, one is that 60% of my paycheck will be placed into the family pot. The other situation this cerate’s is that I will not be able to move out … ever. I will be stuck at my house until probably my 21st b-day. But this is my duty right? Its my job to take care of my family and my sister when they need things I can help with. Oddly enough when nicalodian talked about helping out giving you that warm feeling all over was a crock of shit because all this means now is that I will have less money and a lot less hope in ever getting out on my own.
Along with my ex leaving, finding out that Gavin will most likely be heading to Iraq in a few months and RB going back to his old job Kristen texed me last night “ we started listening to a lot of lewy preima at work and it makes me think of you and that makes me happy”. My response to that was “ I found my bellfurys CD and I listened to our song and it made me think of you”. Then “ yea they play a lot of jazz and rat pack stuff so I think about you a lot when they play that music” Kristen explains “ I’m Glad” nick responds. “Are you hate at me?” the girl asked for the thousand time. So I responded with this “no I do not hate you, despite the fact that I hate a lot of people for a lot less you really broke my heart. I try to not think about you but I cant and for that I resent you.” So Stacy what do you think? Think I did the right thing?
I feel like shit , and I’ve felt this way for a long time now and I don’t like it. I’m always depressed and no matter what happens everything goes to shit. I don’t even do anything and things go to shit. I’m becoming numb to a lot of it and I don’t like that, its not like a “ ohh well” and it just rolls off my back its more of a well one more stray cant hurt. And I am legitimately worried about what’s going to happen when I get that last straw.
I really have no idea what to do and I’m up for suggestions. |
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| My ankle really hurts and i don’t know if i broke it or bruised it |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|08:19 am] |
so I’ve been busy the last few days. work has been a bitch and a half and since one of the owners are in it sucks a little more then normal. but whatever the case, i haven’t been getting any good sleep lately. I get to bed at a reasonable hour but no matter what im exhausted when i get into work. I’ve been sneaking naps in the morning for about 30 min in my office before bill comes in. my dreams have been funny though, I was listening to Adam corolla on the radio at my desk and then i fell asleep so my dream was about everything that they were talking about on the show. I also had one that i kissed sara, and that has been on repeat in my head for a wile now.
but in other news i will be in orange county this weekend, gavins parents were not supposed to be home until Monday so we were just going to get hammered and have some friends over but they decided to come home on Monday - and i feel like a 17 year old talking like that. so the man who would be boy king is going to head out to the 909 to see his girlfriend and since ive got nothing in simi but people getting up my ass and ratboy asking me to drive him around to fuck his 16 year old girlfriend i thought i would head down to see Stacy and Ronnie.
but recently i had a decision to make and i think i made the best one. You see i have this friend christen and she and i have been friends since about 7th grade, but since she started going to college and i started working we’ve kind of dropped off communication. but i guess the planets allied and she was free for coffee tonight at 8. ok follow me on this, there is also this girl Brianna who wants to " jump my bones" now shes a very nice girl but she’s a moped though and though. and i guess she had Wednesday off. now i talked to who is the keeper of the key at work and he said that i could take a half day but it would have to be in the afternoon. so here was the dilemma, go and get coffee with an old friend who i can flirt with and who is attractive, or fuck this girl i wouldnt want my friends finding out about. and gavin felt i should just bang the girl because i need it, but i really dont. sex is boring to me, ive never had amazing sex and recently its been more bullshit then its worth. on top of that i want to progress i dont want to revert. i want bigger and better, the next girl i date i want to be worth wile i shouldn’t date someone just because. so im going out to coffee with my friend tonight.
im sill in this really shitty funk, and watching gavin and kari be all cute and affectionate to one another really sucked ass. But I did get over to his place early and hear them have sex.
but i bought brick yesterday so most is well. |
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| I like to be miserable beacuse it insipers me ... thats what i tell peple |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|03:37 pm] |
So I pose this question to anyone who knows me. Why do I continue to stick my finger in the electrical socket or my hand on the stove? so far today started out shitty and got a little better when I found out that this weakened I don’t have to go down to san Diego, that I get to be home all alone with Ably the wonder dog. It was a nice piece of news, all I'm going to do is sleep in and write.
So after that my day started to go better, bill left early so my office won’t smell like ass and wet cat with a dash of coke. I can listen to my music and I got two big jobs underway, I get to so do a little surveying tomorrow off wilsure bla bla bla. It was looking like it wasn’t going to be the best day but at least one that could end peacefully. But no like a moron I didn’t block my ex Kristen on the I’m why? Because I don’t know, maybe it’s some sick pleasure I get out of being reminded of how I’m not over her or whatever. so that’s not the big point, she goes on to tell me how she’s going to try out for the suicide girls, and I guess she has been either fucking her ex or some new guy ( she didn’t tell me that I read it in a post she put up). I just want to know why it is that she’s still on my head like she is. I want her to get out of my stomach. I don’t think about her that much really, it’s this feeling I get in my gut when I think about her or talk to her, it’s the same with Sara but not as intense. And I know time heals all wounds but I feel like my elasticity is all fucked up.
I wish I had something to through in her face like she douse to me, and I know its not intentional but ... whatever. You remember watching married with children and no matter how good the characters would have it in the end it always turned to crap and everything got fucked up in some way so they were miserable again. I never got that when I was little, why can’t the heroes ever win, and then I realized that the show did so well because people could relate to that. No one really wins in life. Fuck I’m pissed! I was really doing better this afternoon. Whatever it makes for good writing. |
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| Good dreams suck when you have to wake up from them. |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|09:18 am] |
So my weekend was pretty shitacular. I really don’t want to get into it but it kind of blew ass, I spend way to much money and will end up spending even more money when I have to pay my speeding ticket in Hesperia, I might have to take traffic school up there or pay 2000 dollars or eat a live horse wile being hit in the head with banana’s, because apparently when you get a traffic ticket everyone in the world knows everything about getting a ticket. I'm going to call the courts and see how much it is and what to do, they say to wait 3 weeks but if its going to be a lot I need to start to save.
But whatever the case we didn’t leave (we as in me and my hedro-lifemate) Ontario until Monday at around 530 ish. Then we went to work and it was alright, it was a nice mix of busy and not so busy. I really wish I could smoke during work but I can’t so weeeeee.
Mickey dongs can’t go play Dodge ball anymore because of work so Gavin is going to cover for him and last night was his first game. I’m so very proud of him; there was this one asshole in a grey shirt and black pants who was a DICK. I don’t mind getting out by someone who’s good. But it’s the fuckers who take this shit way to ass seriously and argue all the time with the ref’s about being in or out. It was pretty funny watching Gavin get really pissed off at that kid. But we didn’t get home until 1030 and my head got tot hit the pillow at 11 but when I woke up this morning I couldn’t keep my eyes opened. Luckily my sister drove in today so I went with her and passed out. I had a really nice dream, well up until the end of the dream where the girl’s dad picked up the phone and told me that she never wanted to talk to me again. I hate having that be the first thing you come to with in the morning, its almost as bad as having a really nice dream then waking up and being like... ohh I’m still here.
But I've been really lazy with my writing and I need to get going a lot more with it real fast, I'm not going to have any time this week really tomorrow is my little sister birthday and the day after that is my grandfathers ( but I don’t think I’m going to go to that for political reasons, they are old assholes and they were not good to my mother ever so they can eat my shit out of a hat) then on Friday I’m going down to san Diego for Tweetys ( my little sister) birthday thing, if she doesn’t have a 2 week extravaganza she has a bitch fit, but luckily she always gets one. See me I don’t have my birthday or anything it’s just that I never do anything for or around them, it makes life a lot easyer. But any who I need some decent fucking sleep and something to wake up for. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|04:36 pm] |
So last night i got to see Audrey and it made me happy. She makes me a lot happyer then anyone ive met. we could just sit ther esmoking cigarets and looking at ugly purses and im content with life.
Well then i have to walk away from her and side in my car for a few extra minuts thinking about how hard it is to let her go. but i do what i do everytime i feel blue, i watch ghostbusters. i love that movie a lot more then normal people should. I think i need to get into being a ghostbuster.
But anywho ive done nothing all day i mean nothing, i watched a bunch of old tv shows on you tube. Im very sleepy and dont want to drive home in ass traffic. i have to take my sister home tonight so no smoking in the car, but i think im going to make gavin drive because im to fucking sleepy to work. I miss my little vacations, i really need to go viset san deigo again. |
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| bla bla bla bla |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|11:58 pm] |
OK so tonight I went out to dinner and coffee with Sara. Well it was supposed to be dinner and a movie but I guess I'm over drawn on my card so we got coffee. Well not entirely. Here’s the haps. I called Sara today because she’s my friend; it’s nice to have someone who knows you inside and out. She and I lived together and were intimate... if you know what I mean. And now that the sex and the relationship isn’t over our heads we can hang out like friends and it’s nice. My hedrolifemate got pissed at me but I don’t give a fuck because he's never been in a relationship like I have with her so he has no place to talk. But we went to the movies to see my super ex girlfriend, she and I thought it would be an ironic movie to see so we planed on it. But we got there at like 830 and the next showing was at 10 so we decided to go out to eat. Its funny, when Sara and I were together we would split our time between Simi and Glendale and going back to Glendale was very odd for me since everywhere I turned there was a story she and I had and I don’t want to lose those inside jokes. So we went to dinner and it was nice, we talked about our ex, told stories about being drunk and I sat in front of a mirror and got saw m reflection and didn’t know who it was for a second. So after dinner we went to the movies and as I said before my card was declined so we walked over to star bucks to get some coffee, there was no ware to sit so we went back to my car to talk. But as luck would have it, or as I like to call it the “this shit can only happen to me" her ex calls her. She apparently has been trying to get a hold of him for a wile and he called. That wasn’t as weird as I thought but what got to me the most was the tone she used on the phone, I remember that tone, she used to talk to me like that and it’s gone. I will never hear that again and I miss it to tell you the truth, maybe not so much from her but just in general. It was soft and nice and had the hint of anticipation and happiness all rolled into one. No one has had that tone with me for a wile, and I miss it more then anything.
After her phone call I drover her back to her place and I bounced the script ideas I’m working on off her head. She and I used to do that tall the time and it was nice to get her input.
Its hard weird, I really don’t miss being with her. well I do and I don’t I miss when we had, I miss what Kristen and I had I miss what Stacy and I had for all of two weeks ( after we met at that show wink wink). What gets me is that I long to have someone who wants me back. I don’t ask for much in life, not since school ended and I don’t have papers to write. But it seems that I’m trying to find that in old flames, in ex girlfriends. in the hope that maybe there’s still something there that I can latch onto so for one little moment I could feel that relief, so that when I turn on the radio the songs that talk about having someone can ably to me.
I’m not bitching I’m analyzing its what I’m good at, so I’m a pessimist ,fuck you.
I look at old pictures, or videos and I can see that look in my eye. And it’s funny because it’s not the look I expect from myself when I swore up and down that that was going to be the girl I’m going to marry. It’s a look like “eeeh, she’s great and all but she’s not, her". She used to be Sara Tompkins, this girl from kindergarten. She was my first love and broke my heart when she and I broke up in second grade then she moved away the next year. In the back of my head I always imagined her being the girl for me. What an amazing story that would be, we find each other once again and she and I have always been meant for each other. She was more of a symbol then a real person. When I changed so did she, in tenth grade she was a punk rock chick, in Jr year she was a phycobilly girl who was all tatted up, senior year she was an actress who looked like Sophia Loren. But about a month ago she found me on my space. MY FUCKING SPACE, I wrote a fucking screen play based off most of my explorations in the female world and it started with her and ended with her. But it didn’t end on my space, but I didn’t care. She found me, she found ME! We tossed an e-mail back and forth and then she shot me her number. So I called that day, and we talked. And she was not what I expected, a goody goody that lived in Maryland. Ok not what I had in mind but why do I care its Sara Tompkins. After about 3 days of talking I ran out of things to say. We have nothing in common and legally I scared her away. I think that’s what’s been really eating at me alive, she’s not the one anymore. I don’t have a name to the girl, I used to Google her name and do epic online searches in hoped of finding her. Not in a creepy way but more of my date with drew. But it gave me hope, every time I saw a movie add or a commercial and there was a girl I thought it might be her. Or I would go out to Hollywood and see some girly walking on the side of the street and wonder if that was her and if she was thinking of me like I was thinking of her. But nope. Not anymore. I don’t have my safety net of “well it’s not Sara Tompkins so it’s my true love". Now that that’s gone I’m open to attacks. My hull has been breeched and I’m sinking fast.
So I ask god what do to. I ask for a sign, yes I know its lame but most of the time something happens. Usually it’s me flipping thought the radio and a song will come on that’s pretty creepily accurate. But tonight after all of this do you know what song he plays? “still haven’t found what I’m looking for" by U2. Thanks god, really needed that update, couldn’t have figured that one out myself now could I.
This thing is long as funk and it’s going to take me as long to spell check it as it was to write it. |
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| So i cant do Wolverine any more |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|05:06 pm] |
Not since the 8th grade have I seen my cheeks. Stacy you’ve never seen me like this. This is how the story goes.
Gavin and I were driving home and I was in a shitty mood and it was right around Rosco Gavin looked at me and asked “what’s wrong you little depressed bitch". And to tell you the truth I couldn’t put my finger on it, it seems more like I document the things that aren’t shitty with me. Then I realized what I said, so I punched myself in the crotch. Not literally because that would have hurt but figuratively. I need to change; I need to not be so complain all the time. I need to take more risks and force myself into things. So I shaved my sideburns and mustache off. I need to start off with a clean slate. there are a lot of things I cant change or do really anything about, I cant take things back, I cant stop people from being assholes to friends, nor can I steal people and the things they hold dearest to there heart away, I know that and I need to just live with it. So I shaved, maybe it will grow back maybe it wont. But Gavin thinks I look more like john cussac then I ever did before and I think I look exactly like my Papare. but yea that’s really it, I'm going to go to the gym because I don’t want this to be my physical peek, I’m going to write more because I like it and I’m going to just start doing what I want to make me happy. I’m tired of thinking about things that will effect me in a few days from now or months or years. I smoke and I know I’m not going to be around for very long and I don’t want to regret not doing shit. I can’t quite my job because I love money and I want to be able to eventually provide for someone and have the ability to make enough money so they can do whatever they want.
I’m going out to see a movie with my ex Sara tonight and I don’t care, I like talking to her. Nothing is going to happen because I like girls who shave there armpits and eat meat, but she makes me happy to hang out with so I’m going to do it. And I’m going to sneak over to have a smoke with Aubrey one night because ill place myself in the neighborhood and I’m going to just drive down to hang out with Stacy. Ill still be bitter as fuck because ... well you know Stacy. but its like those shitty commercials on the W.B were is like " if your mad then use it go to the gym or pay sports or suck cock" I don’t remember them that well since I’m sure they didn’t say suck cock. But anyway I’m going to put this to good use and just do what I want. So kiss my black ass I’m going to masturbate in the bathroom at work. (That was a joke)
p.s I blame all of this on the smiths, Gavin made me listen to them and ... there not as shitty as I thought. |
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| n imdcb |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|01:34 pm] |
So I'm not really doing very much today at work. I have a few bids to get to and I’m not in the mood to deal with anything. It’s humid and I’m depressed. I need a hug and someone to tell me everything’s going to be ok. but more importantly I need to wake up, I’m half asleep all day and it makes me feel like I’m in a fog. I've been talking to Chelsie for most of the day but I wish I was talking to Audrey because she makes me really happy. Fuck I need to send this bid out but my pops is AWAL and he need to sign it off.
So Nicks to do.
() call Stacy and tell her this shit is like crack and now I’m pissed
() call Ronnie
() e-mail back randy
() write beet sheet for
() succubus
() sub-heroes
() The fuck up
() lost love
() Call Audrey
So I’m fucking tired of work and bullshit. More then anything else I hate the fact I don’t know what to do with my self. I feel like I’m work at something I’m never going to have. I have a job that’s alright but it’s not what I want to do but pays well in hopes that one day when I can support a family they will be taken care of. I guess I’m on the "fast track" because I’m young and the position I have but it’s not what I want to be in life. But what I want is not as important as my wife and kids, but it’s hard to fight for an idea that I’m going to have a family or find that one girl ... again so all the work and depression on me becoming something I don’t want will be well worth it. I need to get out and take a vacation sleep a bunch and get drunk. Or something, like actually have time and be in the mood to write.
I’m tired and I want to go home, but home doesn’t feel right anymore. |
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